When It Rains…
I got back to my apartment at 11:15pm last night. As I entered the lobby a person walked past me, heading out. I thought nothing of it.
Suddenly I heard a British voice, “Hey Mate?”
He startled me for a second, but I turned around regardless. “Mind if I borrow your umbrella?”
“Umm…” I stalled as the worst possible outcomes flashed through my mind in nanoseconds. “It’s not really my umbrella. I can’t just let you borrow it.”
“I live in 7D. I was just heading out and noticed that it’s raining. I’ll drop it off at the end of the night. What apartment are you?”
“I’m in 5F…”
“Here,” he said, almost fed up. “I’ll give you my business card, so you have my number. And if I don’t bring you’re umbrella back, you can call me.”
“Okay,” I resigned.
I took his card and headed up my stairs. I figured now is as good a time as any to trust the universe. Depend on the kindness of strangers. Stop being so xenophobic!
…Then out of curiosity I looked down at the card.
I was so perplexed I didn’t even notice the typo (I guess THIEVES can’t afford spell check). I turned around and ran down the stairs.
I got to the lobby and noticed Mr. Perry Russerts jogging away, across the street. I sprinted after him. He noticed me.
The chase continued for NINETEEN NEW YORK CITY BLOCKS. I was gaining on him, when stopped on a dime, turned around, and hit me with an open palm across my jaw/chin/neck area. I was startled.
It didn’t hurt, it was just… shocking.
He banged on the back of an available cab and hopped in. I started pounding on the window, trying to get the cabbies attention.
Then, as the cab pulled away, I noticed the rear window lowered. Our thief leaned almost completely out of the opening and yelled “GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!” and threw my umbrella out of the cab onto the street.
I picked it up and walked home with spirits high, and very dry.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:01 pm
You made that up!
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:04 pm
FAKE! But HILARIOUS!
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:06 pm
isthis true
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:11 pm
HAHAHAHA. is this true? if so, that’s insane!
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:18 pm
Holy freaking cow. That’s an insane story!!
It’s SOOO awesome that you didn’t let him get away with it..the story would NOT be nearly as entertaining if it ended at you just looking at the card. :)
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:25 pm
I don’t know how this can be fake. Amazing story. I’m really glad you chased after him and really glad you lived to tell the story!
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:25 pm
This needs to be on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:26 pm
seriously? hilarious.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:34 pm
Wow! What a story.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:37 pm
funny.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
You’re good. You’re *good.*
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:48 pm
Way to be alpha and get your umbrella back.
April 7th, 2009 @ 10:54 pm
do you think thats his real name??
you should facebook him and get ppl to spam
April 7th, 2009 @ 11:26 pm
You, sir, are my hero.
April 7th, 2009 @ 11:27 pm
Get the FUCK out of here.
Okay fine, you can stay. I do end up believing most stories when they’re accompanied by the “MySpace salute,” but something tells me maybe you found that card first and then concocted the backstory. After all, you ARE a script writer.
April 7th, 2009 @ 11:30 pm
I can’t tell if this is true or not, but your face in that picture holding up that card is dead-on. Felt right with the story. I was almost a little sad until I read you ran 19 blocks to catch him. Truth be told, you don’t seem the type to be able to run 19 New York blocks. Remember: How often do you work out? Never ever EVA
April 7th, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
[...] very dry. Not my story but i feel that if people think it happened first person it would be better. BeingFamous.com | Amir’s Online Home When It Rains… __________________ [...]
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:06 am
That is a GREAT story, but I’m pretty suspicious of its authenticity! I hope it’s true because if so, that is unbelievable and hilarious.
If it’s not true, well either way it’s a great story.
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:07 am
i must find out if this is true…how do i contact this so called umbrella thief
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:08 am
I want this to be true so bad!!!
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:30 am
Haha that was one of the funniest things i’ve read in quite a while. Not sure if it was real, but either way, lol.
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:36 am
“Truth be told, you don’t seem the type to be able to run 19 New York blocks. Remember: How often do you work out? Never ever EVA”
Just thought I’d point out, Amir recently went through an incredible training regiment that culminated with him running a marathon. He is certainly capable of running 19 New York blocks.
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:41 am
no way this is true lol amir seems way too easy going/not looking for confrontation to chase someone down that long. hed just look at the card and laugh.
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:44 am
LOL!!! “hit me with an open palm” aka you got slapped in the FACE! That’s really girly of that dude. He doesn’t deserve to have balls.
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:06 am
Unbelieveable, but awesome. If someone has that smarts to pull that off, they deserve an umbrella.
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:11 am
I believe it.
April 8th, 2009 @ 5:36 am
stop complaining about how it’s not true, who cares either way. it’s a hilarious story
April 8th, 2009 @ 6:55 am
i would have just bought a new umbrella.
although the story wouldn’t have been QUITE as interesting.
April 8th, 2009 @ 7:18 am
Oh Amir, you spinner of tales.
Hilarious.
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:08 am
Its possible he ran 19 blocks. After all he ran a marathon.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:04 am
The owner of that umbrella better thank you somehow. Seriously, you are the greatest friend haha. That is something right out of a movie. Or a CH video. You should make it a CH video.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:15 am
I’ve heard stories about the NYC Umbrella Thief. He’s notorious for not knowing “I before E except after C.” And also for stealing umbrellas.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:16 am
Why did he give it back? He had gotten away with it… even slapping you for it. Worst “Umbrella Theif” EVER!!!
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:36 am
This is amazing.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:51 am
wtf. thats the most ridiculous thing i’ve heard in a long time.
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:06 am
I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I’d do it again. Goodbye!
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:56 am
HAHAHAHA. i’m not sure whether that’s true or not, but that was freaking hilarious.
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:03 pm
Totally a writing exercise, inspired either by the bizcard itself or by a challenge to “Get to this last sentence: ‘I picked it up and walked home with spirits high, and very dry.’”
This does not IN ANY WAY diminish the awesomeness of this story.
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:19 pm
When it Rains…
…my feet they bleed ‘cause my shoes have holes
And I can nay afford socks, no
Sometimes when its super cold out and rainin’ and stuff
I order Chinese food and when it comes I don’t tip the guy
I just take the food and kick him in the chest
When he lands on the floor I just lock him out
I don’t pay for the food or pay for the tip
I make him regret like his life, his job and shiat-like-that-su!
April 8th, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
PLEASE MAKE THIS INTO A CHTV ORIGINAL VIDEOOOOO!!!
April 8th, 2009 @ 2:32 pm
Whoa, unbelievable. The same Perry Russerts had me with the same scheme last week, this man has to be stopped.
April 8th, 2009 @ 2:44 pm
I was wondering why this never worked for me. Now I know to ask for an umbrella next time with a British accent.
April 8th, 2009 @ 2:46 pm
Amir, if this is made up, then you’re the Philip Roth of fake blog anecdotes. (Have you perhaps been dabbling in Patrick’s library?) The story starts out with Perry as such a likable character - the British accent, the unflappable determination to get the umbrella, the confidence that you wouldn’t immediately look at the business card, the professional look of the card itself. He’s like the Daniel Ocean of umbrellas. But then he turns into a total dick! Hitting you AND telling you to go fuck yourself? But, he DOES leave you the umbrella. Jeez, I feel so ambivalent about this guy.
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:18 pm
does it really matter if it’s fake?
it’s hilarious. also, if fake, great humour writing but what else can be expected from amir?
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:25 pm
Jocelyns’ journal entry
april 8th, 2009
Umbrella thieves in alley
tonight, fist on burst face.
This city is afraid of me, I seen its true
face. The vaults are extended with gutters,
and the gutters are filled with rain…And when the drains finally scab over, all the vermain will drown.
The accumulated filth of all the jackin and wackin of unbrellas’ will foam up about their waists, and when all the umbrellas thieves and collegehumor members of newyork look up and shout “save us”
And i’ll look down and whisper…
“Sheesh Y’all”
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:28 pm
I would frame that business card
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:39 pm
And now that silly thief has a cab to pay for too. :3
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
hahhaaa
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:10 pm
amir: you guys arent going to believe this, i was mugged
jake and sarah: oh my god hhat happened?!
amir: well you know that umbrella i owe patrick, right
pat: yeah?…
well, you get the rest.
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:48 pm
so fake, it’s true. oh, I also jizzed in my pants.
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:57 pm
You are so handsome! Like a superhero!
April 8th, 2009 @ 6:41 pm
I don’t even care if this story was real or not– This story REALLY made my day.
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:52 pm
Didn’t your parents ever teach you not to let strangers borrow your umbrella?
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:22 pm
Amazing story, real or not. Now I know what to dedicate my life to if everything else fails: umbrella theif. Yes.
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:38 pm
wow. assuming this is true, the story takes a weird turn. cause the card seems so playful, but the guy obviously has violent tendencies. what doesn’t add up is why he would give you back your umbrella if the cab was already driving away?
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:45 pm
Ah! That was great. I just can’t believe he was dumb enough to stick around downstairs long enough for you to go upstairs and come down again.
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:39 pm
I believe it, look at those crazy eyes.
April 9th, 2009 @ 12:55 am
Amir, Thanks For Sharing. What an amazing story!
April 9th, 2009 @ 1:05 am
Julian Louie, you, are AWESOME! I just re-read Watchmen for the 80r927346897203969kldsjgf834q65rufihai8dy7th time, and that post had me laughing!
April 9th, 2009 @ 3:29 am
nice. you should do a skit based on this!
April 9th, 2009 @ 5:27 am
Very funny. I think “thief” is spelt incorrectly on the business card though!
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:00 am
brill.
make.
into.
ch.
original.
video.
ps: a few of these comments are *awesome* — you know who you are.
April 9th, 2009 @ 11:49 am
real or fake, it is still the best story I have ever read.
April 9th, 2009 @ 3:45 pm
Am I write in thinking that everything after
”I was so perplexed I didn’t even notice the typo (I guess THIEVES can’t afford spell check). I turned around and ran down the stairs.”
Is made up?
April 9th, 2009 @ 4:26 pm
if this is true, holy crap!
HAHAHA.
this should be a movie plot.
April 9th, 2009 @ 8:55 pm
You are truly brilliant. Maybe one day I will hone my writing skills and be at your level.
April 10th, 2009 @ 1:08 am
Oh my god, that’s fucking hilarious. You have won my humour, and my heart =P
April 12th, 2009 @ 2:15 am
This is UNREAL!! YOU’RE LYING!!!
April 12th, 2009 @ 11:02 pm
[...] This man goes up to unsuspecting people who are carrying umbrellas and asks to borrow it for a small trip, promising to return it that evening. The umbrella owner is offered a business card with the man’s name and phone number on it so if he fails to return the item, they can call and track it down. Once the umbrella is procured, the man walks away into the rain. [...]
April 13th, 2009 @ 12:22 am
You’re Batman! (paraphrasing Seinfeld)
April 14th, 2009 @ 1:41 am
regardless of whether or not this is true, it is my absolute favorite story.EVER.
April 14th, 2009 @ 3:18 pm
this is to good to be made up and the card is the icing on the awesome story cake
April 14th, 2009 @ 4:00 pm
brilliant! reminded me of that roald dahl story, “the umbrella man”..
April 14th, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
simpsons did it
April 14th, 2009 @ 11:47 pm
holy soo moly u run 19 new york blocks i dont believe it! wen he slapped u did he say i challenge u to a duel? hahah
April 15th, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
I….I believe it.
April 16th, 2009 @ 6:56 pm
nice, really nice!
April 16th, 2009 @ 11:32 pm
Mere words cannot describe how much I love you for this.
April 20th, 2009 @ 1:28 am
LOL! Card :P
April 20th, 2009 @ 3:08 pm
Simpsons did it.
April 22nd, 2009 @ 8:13 am
southpark did it too.
April 23rd, 2009 @ 2:04 am
Is this a legit true story?
April 23rd, 2009 @ 3:20 pm
brilliant. True or Not. just brilliant. A sitcom meets a die-hard film.
April 24th, 2009 @ 4:44 pm
oh wow! what a story.
April 27th, 2009 @ 10:28 am
Unbelievable. But somehow, I really think it happened. Crazy!!
April 27th, 2009 @ 4:36 pm
LOL.
May 8th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm
Seriously? There are people who steal umbrellas? … Why?
Anyway, Amir, I’m glad you got your umbrella back. Let’s hope you learned your lesson about giving strangers your umbrellas.
May 18th, 2009 @ 6:48 pm
I don’t know what everyone else said but you told this story well, very well.
I liked it! Thumps up on you mate!
May 22nd, 2009 @ 12:55 am
Dude, awesome story. I have a story, but it’s not nearly as entertaining, or brief.
June 27th, 2009 @ 1:48 pm
this is the best thing i ever read, EVER
September 9th, 2009 @ 9:55 am
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.
September 10th, 2009 @ 11:09 am
I love your site. :) Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. Sign: ndsam